why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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