hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
