The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
