Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
