What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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