Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
