I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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