since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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