whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You ruined the universe
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
