just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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