I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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