Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
