if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Enjoy the penises
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
