Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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