Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
