he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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