I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
