im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
