just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
