I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
