# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
