____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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