i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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