Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
