i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
The convent might be a nice break from real life
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
