I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize