a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
