two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i want to swaddle you in tequila
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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