those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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