Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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