I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Randomize
