Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
