I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
