Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
