I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
