The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize