the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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