Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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