when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
