he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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