I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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