i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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