i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
