Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
