I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I have demons in me.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Be still, my beating vagina.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
