You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I made him laugh his dick is mine
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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