im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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