I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
