I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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