well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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