New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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