what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
