Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
