my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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