there's paper in my vomit.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
