Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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