He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize